I Am Not My Hair

For those that have known me for any amount of time at all, know my hair. Long. Sometimes curly, sometimes straight. I got compliments on it all the time. And that felt good. I liked my hair, too.

But I also hated my hair. I mean, yeah, I hated having to brush out the matted mess it had become before showering, or before going to bed, or before doing anything, really. I hated deciding what I was going to do with my hair each day. I hated that if I didn't wash my hair EVERY DAY it was just nasty. There was all that. But I also hated the way it made me feel. Like that if I didn't have my hair I wouldn't be pretty. If I didn't have my hair, would people still compliment me?

I've struggled my whole life with receiving compliments. Somewhere, in a distant time and place, I decided that if people said something nice about the way I looked, they were probably lying about it just to make me feel better. I thought they actually felt sorry for the way I looked, so they were just trying to be nice in some weird and twisted way. I never believed people when they would tell me I was pretty or even use the word beautiful. Because I didn't believe it was true.

But my hair was somehow different. I knew I had pretty hair. It was the one physical thing about myself that I actually believed was beautiful.

I've always been a big girl. I lost some weight around the time I got married, only to gain most of it back in a years time. I'm not proud of this, but it's reality. But I'm a big girl. Does this mean I can't be pretty? Does this mean I'm an undesirable person? Truthfully, I subscribe to those thoughts about myself more than anyone I know and love probably does. But I'm in the process of changing that.

So I cut all my hair off. 18 inches.

This hasn't meant an immediate transformation in thought. As previously stated, it's a process. But I like my new hair. It's fun! And I feel pretty. Which is important.

Before making the cut, I asked myself these exact questions: "Is cutting my hair going to make me look fatter? Is my husband still going to be attracted to me? Will my mom be mad at me?" Results: If anything, I lost weight because of all the hair no longer attached to my head. My husband loves my new haircut. My mom isn't mad at me. Turns out I'm still the same person I was with long hair. Only, in my opinion, better.

Despite his face, he really does like my hair...

*Update: my husband says it was at least 21 inches that was cut. Not 18. But who's counting?