Every Saturday night I think oh, we should probably go to church in the morning. But then Sunday morning comes, and all I really want is to stay home with my family, make them breakfast, go to the park. Play with them, and enjoy their company before the busy week begins.
So this is my story for the past three years or so. And I keep identifying this as the church's problem. I keep wanting to find a church that better suits my needs. I want a place where I can find more people like me (Lord knows conservative suburbia is not that place) and I want to have conversations about things going on around this world, about controversial issues, about my real and deep and profound thoughts. I want this without feeling like the conversation will end with the other person offering to pray for me because the conversation has turned into my own spiritual brokenness. (But yes, please pray for me. Always.)
So basically, I ultimately have a very consumeristic view of church.
Well that sucks.
Yesterday I wrote about my birthday coinciding with the commencement of Lent. It was short, and didn't go into detail about what I would be sacrificing for Lent. While I had an idea, the complete picture wasn't clear to me. Although I am expecting clarity throughout this season, it is a little clearer to me now that what I am to sacrifice is my attitude. In case you haven't noticed (humor me, please), I am rather arrogant. This attitude of arrogance has prevented me from experiencing Christ in Communion at church. It has prevented me from experiencing Christ in the songs we sing, in the faces and stories of the people surrounding me.
In order to sacrifice this part of me, I have to confess that it exists in me.
I realize that I am entitled to my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc. But what I have done is keep them to myself. Because I am arrogant and believe that no one around me will get it. Because my thoughts are deeper than yours. My feelings are more rational than yours. My spiritual experiences are more profound than yours. I simply am just more cultured than you.
So while you are all lining up to be my friend (because, obviously), I will commit to writing each day of this Lenten season. I will commit to share the deep, the profound (in my own head, at least), the stupid, the silly, the spiritual with you.
"...Lent isn’t about punishing ourselves for being human – the practice of Lent is about peeling away layers of insulation and anesthesia which keep us from the truth of God’s promises. Lent is about looking at our lives in as bright a light as possible, the light of Christ. It is during this time of self-reflection and sacrificial giving and prayer that we make our way through the over grown and tangled mess of our lives. We trudge through the lies of our death-denying culture to seek the simple weighty truth of who we really are. Lent is about hacking through self-delusion and false promises. We let go of all the pretenses and the destructive independence from God. We let go of defending ourselves. We let go of our indulgent self-loathing. Then, like the prodigal son we begin to see a God running with abandon to welcome us home. But we can’t begin to see this God until we hack through our arrogance and certainty and cynicism and ambivalence. The Psalmist says that God delights in the truth that is deep in us. The truth. Therefore there’s no shame in the truth of who we are; the broken and blessed beloved of God. There’s no shame in the truth that our lives on earth will all end and that we are in bondage to sin and cannot free ourselves. It’s not depressing. What’s depressing is the desperation of trying to pretend otherwise. What’s depressing is to insist that I can free myself I just haven’t managed to pull it off yet." - Nadia Bolz Weber
Come along. And pray for me. 'Cause I can't pull this off on my own.
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