This Happened.

Soooooo yep! It's been roughly two years since I've updated my blog. Sounds about right. I've never been good at keeping the e-masses informed about my life on the regular.

But my brain won't shut up at me this time. It keeps yelling... "SHARE! WRITE! DO SOMETHING!!!"

Fine.

So y'all know by now (no thanks to my blog, obviously) that I am now the proud mama of the cutest 1-year-old on the planet. I mean, seriously. Who knew that this little man would steal my heart and my life would never be the same? Oh, you did? I think you told me that sometime along the way, but I didn't know it until I knew it. You feel me?

So life is dramatically different. And while I thought I would promptly return to full-time work 12 weeks after the little guy was born, turns out my priorities changed and would do anything I could to spend more time with him. I left my job and started working extremely part time. Which somehow strangely affected our finances and budget. I know, weird.

I recently started a new job working three days a week. Twenty-four hours a week total, and it's working out pretty well. I work in an administrative roll at a small, corporate firm. Nothing too exciting, but I like it well enough and it helps pay the bills.

But I'm missing something. There is this space in my heart that has been there ever since I can remember. The need to be somewhere in the mission field (this sounds very churchy to me, and I think I need to use another word here. But that's a whole 'nother blog post). And I've read all about being a "different kind of tax collector" and maybe you have, too. But I mean something more. Like you know when you're growing up in church (or maybe you don't, but go with me here...) and the missionary comes and tell you there are three ways you can help: go, send, and pray? Yeah, well I was always like "Yo! I'll go! Send me!" So I went, and it was awesome. And I would dream of days when my then imaginary husband and kids would be with me.

I pursued an education to support my vocational dreams. Then I got married. Then I had a kid. Then we tried to buy a house. For almost two years we looked, put offers on, went into escrow, backed out, and waited for several houses. We came extremely close to purchasing one in particular. In the nearly eight months we spent waiting for it to come through, our hearts changed. We no longer wanted that house. We no longer felt attached to the idea of purchasing a house, period. But instead of backing out, we chose to continue to pray for God's will to be done, for Him to speak clearly to us, and to wait and see what happened. The wait ended when our realtor called to inform us that the bank was asking over $60,000 more than what it had originally given a verbal approval for. We immediately knew God's hand was on this situation and felt peace as we could now let go of the house entirely.

So I have no house (no, we are not homeless). But I'm actually excited about it. And I still have an amazing husband and a way-too-cute son.   I don't know what our future holds, but I know Someone who does.

The Best Road Map

Do you have a therapist? You should. No, really. You should. And it should be someone that you really like and that you feel like you can tell everything to. I mean, I have other people in my life that I can tell everything to, and that's a good thing. You should have that, too. But there's something very different about telling someone who has no bias whatsoever. It's very freeing. It's very validating. I highly recommend it.

Thank you to everyone who has spoken kind words to me, either in person or via the web. Those words mean so much to me, and I do not take them lightly. Through this journey I have become closer to many who have shared that they were struggling with similar things. There is life in community. Don't go it alone.

I actually wanted to share something else today, but wanted to give you that quick update.

Here is what I wanted to share:

Nearly every day my husband and I read a small devotional together and pray. Our schedules sometimes differ, and sometimes he leaves before I make it out of bed. On those days, I will often read the devotional and spend some time in prayer on my own. The book is called Jesus Calling, and is written as if it were Jesus speaking. Today's devotion reads,

Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with Me. 
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available.


This speaks to me today. And I felt like I should share it.

And Now You Know.

I've never been much for self-disclosure. I like my privacy, and I respect the privacy of others. (Okay, I get nosey sometimes, but who doesn't?) You generally can't figure out my day to day happenings by looking at my Facebook. I don't "check in" anywhere. I don't tell you what I'm up to. Sometimes I might post a picture or let you in on a small, sometimes significant detail. I don't use Twitter, and I don't Instagram. I'm aware of the benefits of social networking, and I'm aware of the risks of social networking. I don't limit my general candidness based on either those benefits or risks. I'm just someone who would rather sit and have coffee with you one on one. If you get me alone, I'm an open book. I'll tell you close to anything. You will probably want me to shut up. 

So this is different for me. 

I've recently been really inspired by the bravery of others. People that I know and people that I don't know who use their platform to be brutally honest with their readers. I've been personally affected by one post in particular written by a friend who I went to grad school with. She laid it all on the line, and she made a difference. In the hopes that someone who reads this might find solace in the words that follow, here goes everything:

Tomorrow morning I'm going to therapy. After ruling out a hormone problem, we're (me and the doctor) pretty sure that this Thing I'm dealing with is depression. I don't just feel sad sometimes. I feel tired. I feel overwhelmed. I feel anxious. I cry. A lot. I can't focus. I don't want to be around people. I get angry. I don't feel motivated. I've lost interest in many things that I used to be passionate about. The list goes on. 

This is something I have dealt with most of my life. It comes and goes, and I generally get through it on my own. These feelings are not new to me. No, they are all too familiar. In the past I had my own bedroom to hide in. I had my own meals to prepare. Really, I had no one but myself to worry about. Yes, it may have affected others around me when I would isolate myself, but no one was ever greatly affected by my own emotions. Things are different now. I don't have my own room. I can't just pick up and leave when I want to get away. I can't hide anymore. And that's a good thing. But it's a hard thing. I am grateful for my husband who has been so supportive and put up with so much more than he deserves. It is time to get well. 

I was referred to a therapist, and after finding out that our health insurance actually covers this, I gratefully made an appointment. So I go tomorrow. 

Why is this so hard to talk about? Why is there so much shame and stigma attached to this issue? Why did I desperately wish there was a hormonal imbalance that I could blame for my rather unsavory disposition? As a society, we stigmatize mental health issues so quickly and further make each person struggling with one feel even more marginalized. This is such a lonely place to be. And largely because I'm afraid to talk to people about it. Largely because it's so misunderstood.

I've barely talked to anyone about this. And I'm still not really sure that I'm ready to. What I am sure of, is that I'm ready to get better. I'm ready to feel like myself again. 

I know am a blessed person. God has blessed me with so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful. He reminds me daily that He is bigger than I am. I am His child, and He takes care of me. I am grateful today for people in the mental health profession who are trained in compassion and understanding the issue of depression. I am grateful that He has provided this resource for me to take advantage of. I am grateful for friends and fellow bloggers who have taken courageous steps in talking about their own struggle with depression. 

J and I on our recent trip to Monterey, celebrating our first year anniversary. GOOD day!

Remember

In honor of those who have served and are serving... Thank You. 

My Grandpa - Bottom Row, 3rd from Right

Pink S'mores

I swear not all of my posts will be about food, but seriously, who doesn't like food? 

I was asked by a good friend a couple weeks ago if I would make a dessert for a reception celebrating the baptism of her daughter. I was honored by her request, and began thinking about what I would create for this special event.

I'm not a huge fan of chocolate (I welcome hate mail), but these weren't for me. My mind kept returning to the idea of making S'mores Cupcakes, but I couldn't find a recipe online that I fell in love with. I gathered ideas from several different sites and created my own idea of a s'mores cupcake. They were a hit. So I figured I'd post the process here:

I don't have pictures of the whole process, so bare with me here....

Graham Cracker Crust:

Finely process several graham crackers in a food processor. Mix with melted butter. It should be just wet enough to press firmly into the bottom of each cupcake wrapper. 

Chocolate Cake:

This was my first shot at a homemade chocolate cake. It was really easy. Trust me. 

For the sake of saving space and, really, so it's just a little more aesthetically pleasing, I'm just going to link you directly to the recipe. I used Hershey's Perfectly Chocolate Cake. Yum.

Marshmallow Filling:

I was warned about making this. The weather was a bit overcast on the day I made it, which I was told weren't ideal conditions to attempt this frosting. But I'm stubborn and decided to try it anyway. It took a little longer than I think it's supposed to, but it finally set.

4 egg whites

1 cup sugar

Pinch of salt

Combine these ingredients over a double boiler, whisking continuously, until sugar is fully dissolved and the mixture is hot to touch.

Transfer to mixing bowl and mix on medium high. Add 1 teaspoon vanilla, and continue to mix until soft peaks form and it's nice a fluffy. This took about 10 minutes on the day I did it, but I think it could vary depending on the moisture in the air. 

Chocolate Ganache:

Fancy name, super easy. 

1 cup heavy whipping cream

1 cup chocolate chips

Melt chocolate chips and whipping cream together in a saucepan over medium-low heat, stirring constantly. See? Easy. (Don't do this step until you're ready to actually use the ganache. You can do it ahead of time, but be prepared to melt it down again so you can easily spoon it on the cupcakes. The point here is to have a really thin layer of ganache. It will be pretty wet when you put it on, but it will set.

Marshmallow Buttercream:

Okay, so here's where I really don't know how much I put of what. You can really play around with it, which I did. Here's an estimate of what I ended up with.

5 oz. softened cream cheese

1/2 cup. softened butter

about 3 cups powdered sugar

2ish TBSP. milk

1 tsp. vanilla

1 jar marshmallow cream

Mix it all together until creamy and fluffy. You may have to add more milk (just a little at a time), or more powdered sugar. You're just going to want it to be at a good consistency that will be easy to pipe, but stiff enough to keep it's shape.

Ok, so those are all the components. Here's the steps:

1. Pack the graham cracker crust in the bottom of each liner. 
2. Pour in the cake batter and bake according to directions. Let cool completely.
3. Fill each cupcake with the marshmallow filling by piping it directly into the center. It's okay if it oozes out the top a bit.
4. Spoon the ganache over the top of each cupcake. Let set. You may have to refrigerate them if you want them to set more quickly.
5. Pipe the Marshmallow Buttercream out onto the cupcakes.
6. Embellish as desired. I used half of a Hershey's square and a broken piece of graham cracker to give it the s'mores look. I was also doing this for a little girl who loves pink, so I put pink sugar on them, too. I saw some people who used a kitchen torch to toast the marshmallow frosting a bit, and I thought that looked great, but I was afraid of melting my ganache and wasn't sure how it would turn out. 

Here's the final look: (again, the picture was taken using my phone. Sorry there aren't more pics.)

Don't Try This At Home

I was all giddy last night as I took the leftover quinoa from dinner and the two ripe bananas and started to make a pudding out of them. I kept thinking, "wow, my blog readers are gonna be so impressed. This is gonna be all over Pinterest. I'm about to be a star." (Or something along these lines.) 

I measured some stuff out, took note about how much of this, and how much of that. I was all methodical and prepared to become your idol after I posted my masterpiece to my blog. It was brilliant. I was brilliant.

And then I finished.

Well, almost. Then I added the vanilla immediately after removing from heat. This is important, and I was going to tell you that.

And then I finished.

I poured it into a tupperware container to let cool. 

And then I realized something.

I forgot the egg.

Fail.

Sa-mo'-a-that-please!

I actually have a board on Pinterest titled "My Husband Wants Me to Make This." That is where most of the sweet stuff that I have pinned has landed. It's full of caramely, coconuty, chocolatey sweetness. So you would think that when I came across this pin, I would have pinned it to this board.

But I didn't.

I love Girl Scout Samoa cookies. (Now called Caramel deLites? I mean, that just makes it seem like they have fewer calories than they used to. And to my knowledge, they don't.) I know it is up for debate in most households which is the best Girls Scout cookie. But not mine. This is it. This is The One.

So I saw this recipe, and I had to try it. My original plan was to make them as a surprise for my husband to take with him on a weekend with a bunch of men from our church. But after all the effort that went into them, the thought of sending all two dozen of them with him only to be devoured in about 5 seconds by a bunch of hungry men inspired me to whip up an easy batch of butterscotch chocolate chip cookies. He took about 5 of the Samoas with him, but left the rest home for both of us to enjoy over the full week. Good decision, hubs.

So here's the recipe. As she states, it's not really a whip up, scoop, bake, and finish kind of cookie. It takes time. But oh man, is it worth it. My husband and I both agree that they even get better after a couple of days in the fridge.

This is my actual final product. I will try to improve on the picture taking...